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Pēdējos pāris gadus mans dzīvoklis Rīgā bija kļuvis par vietu, kur es vienkārši gaidīju, kad beigsies diena. Darbs, kas kādreiz likās stabils, tagad šķita kā smagnējs mētelis, ko nevar novilkt. Un tad vakaros, kad visi citi kaut kur devās, es sēdēju pie datora un meklēju kaut ko, kas aizņemtu prātu. Tā es nonācu vavada kazino. Sākumā tas bija tikai kā fons — kaut kas spīdīgs un trokšņains, kas aizsedza klusumu. Bet drīz vien tas kļuva par manu mazo bēgšanas vietu. Nevis tāpēc, ka es gribētu kļūt bagāts, nē. Es gribēju pazust. Pazust no rēķiniem, no tukšām sarunām, no sajūtas, ka nekas nemainās.



Pirmā reize, kad atvēru vavada kazino, bija nejauša. Bija svētdienas vakars, lija lietus, un es biju noskrējis pirkstus, ritinot ziņas, kas tikai vairoja trauksmi. Reklāmas baneris parādījās kaut kur starp rakstiem par politiku un sportu. Es uzklikšķināju. Pat nezinu, kāpēc. Varbūt tāpēc, ka tur bija rakstīts “bonuss bez depozīta” — tas izklausījās pēc kaut kā, ko es varētu pazaudēt, neko nezaudējot. Reģistrējos ar viltotu e-pastu, jo negribēju, lai pēc tam man sūta spamus. Un tad es sāku spēlēt. Sākumā tikai automātus. Tie griezās, dzirkstīja, skanēja. Es zaudēju pirmos piecus eiro, ko biju ielicis. Un tad vēl piecus. Un tad vēl. Bet dīvainā kārtā es nejutos dusmīgs. Es jutos... aizņemts. It kā mans prāts beidzot būtu aizņemts ar kaut ko citu, nevis ar to, cik daudz es neizdaru.



Nākamajā nedēļā es atgriezos. Katru vakaru. vavada kazino kļuva par manu rutīnu tāpat kā zobu tīrīšana. Es sāku pamanīt, ka pat manas domas mainījās — es vairs nedomāju par to, kā samaksāt rēķinus, bet par to, kāda spēle man šodien veiksies. Tas bija muļķīgi, es to sapratu. Bet tajā pašā laikā tas bija vienīgais laiks, kad es nejutu sāpes. Mana vientulība pazuda uz to brīdi, kad ekrānā mirgoja kombinācijas. Es pat sāku sarunāties ar sevi — “nu, vēl viens grieziens, un tad es beigšu”. Protams, es nebeidzu. Bet tas bija labi. Tas bija kā mazs noslēpums, kas piederēja tikai man.



Pēc kāda laika es sāku spēlēt ne tikai automātus, bet arī ruleti. Tur bija kaut kas nomierinošs tajā, kā bumbiņa ripoja ap riteni. Es liku likmes uz sarkanu vai melnu, uz pāra vai nepāra. Dažreiz es uzvarēju. Dažreiz zaudēju. Bet galvenais nebija nauda. Galvenais bija tas, ka es biju iesaistīts kaut kā, kas notika tagad. Ne vakar, ne rīt. Tagad. Un tas bija milzīgs atvieglojums. Es sāku pat smieties par sevi — kā es, pieaugušais vīrietis, sēžu un ceru uz zaļo nulli kā bērns uz saldējumu. Bet tas smiekls bija labs. Tas bija dzīvs.



Vienu vakaru es uzvarēju. Ne milzīgu summu, bet pietiekami, lai es justos kā īsts spēlētājs. Es izņēmu naudu, nopirku sev vakariņas no vietējā restorāna un noskatījos filmu. Tā bija pirmā reize mēnešos, kad es nejutos kā cilvēks, kas tikai iztur dienu. Es jutos kā cilvēks, kas to dzīvo. Un tad es sapratu — vavada kazino man nav tikai bēgšana. Tā ir vieta, kur es varu būt kāds cits. Ne tas nogurušais, vientuļais puisis no Purvciema. Bet tas, kurš riskē, kurš cer, kurš dažreiz uzvar. Un tas mainīja visu.



Protams, bija arī slikti vakari. Bija reizes, kad es zaudēju vairāk, nekā biju plānojis. Bija reizes, kad es apsolīju sev, ka vairs nekad neatvēršu šo lapu. Bet es atgriezos. Jo tur, starp griezieniem un likmēm, es atradu kaut ko, ko negaidīju — sevi. Savu spēju izturēt, savu spēju cerēt, savu spēju smieties par to, cik absurda ir dzīve. Un tas nav maz.



Tagad, kad es rakstu šo, es joprojām dažreiz apmeklēju vavada kazino. Bet tagad tas vairs nav bēgšana. Tas ir kā vecs draugs, ar kuru var parunāt bez vārdiem. Es zinu, ka daudzi saka, ka azartspēles ir ļaunums. Varbūt viņiem taisnība. Bet man tās palīdzēja iziet cauri tumšākajam laikam. Un par to es esmu pateicīgs. Jo dažreiz, lai atrastu ceļu atpakaļ pie sevis, ir jāpazūd pavisam citā vietā. Un tad jāatgriežas. Ar jaunu spēku. Un ar smaidu.